When I wrote “Suffering in Silence No More” in November 2018, I shared what I had learned dealing with my children's addiction over many years. I decided I could no longer suffer in silence because it had hurt me emotionally and physically. It is now eight years since that article and I want to share what I have learned since then.

In my previous column, I wrote “I have learned that when a person struggles with substance abuse, there are only three ways out: incarceration, death, or recovery. And, fortunately, I have not experienced my children's death — yet.”

It is very sad for me to share that I now have experienced my daughter’s death.

My daughter developed endocarditis in February 2020. Endocarditis is a rare, life-threatening inflammation of the inner lining of the heart’s chambers and valves. She was hospitalized and upon her discharge, required six seeks of daily high-dose intravenous antibiotic infusions. Intravenous drug use causes this condition. I visited her after she was released and started daily treatment. It was right around the time COVID began. I was able to sit with her for the first two days of treatment until all relatives and visitors were required to wear masks and sit in the waiting room.

My husband is a physician. I asked him whether Allison would survive or whether he thought we may have to bury her during our lifetime. He and my daughter’s infectious disease physician told us that if she did not change her ways, she may need a heart transplant or die. That was very hard for me to hear and accept.

During the two years from that hospitalization until my daughter’s death, Allison continued to struggle with her addiction. But in January 2022, when I visited her, she was doing beautifully. I met her new AA sponsor and her roommates at her new sober home. She was gainfully employed and appeared content, satisfied, and proud of her accomplishments. However, she had just come down with Bell’s palsy — a neurological disorder that causes sudden, temporary weakness or paralysis on one side of the face — and was very concerned that she would never look “cute and normal” again. I tried to assure her that statistically she had a very good chance of recovery. She would just have to be patient.

I firmly believe that is what caused her final relapse — the fear and insecurity of not recovering from Bell’s palsy. If you have a child who is an addict/alcoholic, you may know how manipulative and deceptive they can be. I did not know she had relapsed until people from her sober home called me very concerned about her use and overdoses, including one where she was found unconscious in a Costco bathroom.

As a parent of a drug addict, it is always difficult to know how and when to intervene. Over the years, I met Allison’s therapists, and I remember learning about the involuntary commitment process in Colorado, where she lived.

I was faced with a real dilemma: do I try to involuntarily commit her and hope she receives help, knowing she would be angry and resentful toward me, or do I let her continue to use and potentially overdose, having her die without me trying the one and only thing I had never tried? I learned long ago that being a parent often required me to make tough and unpopular decisions for my children. Being a parent is a tough job!

So, rather than always worrying about whether I had done everything possible to help save my daughter, I filled out the paperwork, had her picked up involuntarily and then waited for our virtual hearing. I was faced with a very angry daughter who was withdrawing from drugs, who did not fully understand the process, and who did not want to be detained against her will. She was also angry that she would be missing Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend and was blaming me for that as well. It was a very uncomfortable position for me. As a parent, I want to be loved by my children. I also want them to appreciate what I do for them. But when there are substances involved, that does not happen.

Allison was committed to a program. I do not remember the specifics because she absconded and less than two weeks later, was found unconscious in a friend’s bathroom. She was transported to the local hospital and remained in ICU until my son, her daughter, and I flew to her bedside. After her closest friends said good-bye and all the tests indicated there was no brain activity, several of her organs were harvested and given to other individuals.

What have I learned? What life lessons can I share with you? There are no easy answers. Everyone’s family situation is different. Addiction (drugs or alcohol) is a cunning, baffling, powerful, and progressive disease. It can be arrested but never cured.

If a child has mental health issues in addition to chemical dependency, it is even more challenging. Illicit substances exacerbate mental health issues and make it more difficult to stabilize the normal chemical imbalance. We were never able to achieve that balance and I believe Allison used drugs to help cope with her natural chemical imbalance. Allison had behavioral issues from the time she was born and long before she started using drugs.

Above all, I have learned that acceptance is the key to all of life’s challenges. No matter what I did to help my children, nothing could or did change the trajectory of their journeys.

A friend, over 20 years ago, suggested I make a list of what I had done to help my children and write how successful each item was. As you can imagine, the list is endless — rehab, phone, rent, food, attorney fees, storage units, car payments, clothing — ultimately, with the same result for each item — zero. And with each relapse or attempt at sobriety, the list grew, but the success rate for each remained the same — zero.

I also learned to set boundaries, and I had to decide what I would be willing to do if my children remained sober and needed help to get back on their feet. I had different boundaries for each of my children, since my daughter had mental health issues since infancy while my son did not. It was always difficult for me to know what my daughter was capable of and what she was not — and, by extension, what I was capable of changing and what I was not.

I do not have to like reality, but I must accept it for what it is. I know I did everything humanly possible — financially, physically, and emotionally — to help my daughter. As long as Allison was alive, I was right there in the trenches with her, giving her all my love and energy and hoping for a different outcome. And, yet nothing could or did change the trajectory of her journey.

I have gratitude for many things. I am grateful that she is at peace, no longer struggling with her demons, although I still cry very easily when I think of her, when I am triggered by certain events, or when I just wish I had had a normal, healthy daughter. I have learned that we do not always get what we want or wish for. I am grateful that I have a wonderful son, two lovely stepdaughters, and Allison’s daughter, my granddaughter, who remains an important part of my life — it’s my connection to her.

And, I am grateful to my husband, who is not the biological father of my children, but who has nonetheless stood by me for the last 30 years during this long and painful ordeal.

I have no regrets, knowing I did the best I could, at every step of this journey with the knowledge I had at the time I made each decision.

I hope this column allows you, once again, to realize you are not alone in whatever personal or familial challenges you are facing. There are resources available to help. I still go to Al-Anon twice a week. There is a special parents and grandparents group here in Naples and there are some that can be accessed remotely.

I also attended the Compassionate Friends support group for parents who have lost a child. These meetings are in person and online and you may find them helpful.

And, a good therapist can also provide guidance and support.

I will be retiring in January and hope to devote my time and energy to helping parents whose children have mental health and addiction issues. If you know of any groups, conferences, or anyone I can help or address, please reach out to me at [email protected].  Thank you.

Judge Lauren Brodie served as a judge throughout the 20th Circuit from 1999 until her appointment to the circuit bench by Gov. Jeb Bush in October 2001. Prior to that, Judge Brodie served as a circuit judge for the 11th Circuit from 1995-1998 and as a Miami-Dade County judge from 1991-1994. Brodie served as a faculty member of the Florida Judicial College from 1992-1998 and again from 2006-2011. She has also served as a member of the Education Committee for the Florida Conference of Circuit Court Judges and has taught at judicial education conferences. In 2007, Judge Brodie was awarded the Florida Supreme Court Chief Justice’s Judicial Distinguished Service Award for her work in the juvenile justice area. In 2022, Judge Brodie was awarded The Florida Bar’s William M. Hoeveler Judicial Professionalism Award for her high character, competence, and service in the legal community.

Judge Brodie plans on retiring in January 2027 and hopes to devote her time to assisting parents whose children suffer from mental health and addiction issues. If you know of any groups, conferences or organizations that may benefit from her experience, contact her at [email protected].