“I’ve learnt, and am still learning, to embrace my grief”
For World Suicide Prevention Day, Karen shares her experience of losing her husband to suicide. With the patience and understanding of her support worker from our Swindon & Wiltshire Support After Suicide Service, Karen has been able to better process her grief.
My darling husband lost his battle with his mental health on the 6th January and I was all over the place. I had no idea what I needed to do or what support was available to me and, to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about me. I was consumed by sadness, full of questions and guilt as to why I couldn’t have saved him.
Until 8th Jan 2024, I’d never heard of Rethink Mental Illness and had no idea of the services, support and help they could provide. When their initial call came, I didn’t have the head space for it; was very suspicious and unsure of how the person on the end of the phone had got my details. I don’t remember a lot from that first call, other than the fact they’d call me back in a few days and send an email with what help they could provide.
That second call came and again I wasn’t really taking anything in other than Jordan’s kind, calm voice reassuring me that when I was ready, Rethink would be there; that they wouldn’t let me slip through the gaps and would call again
After a couple of weeks, I was in a place to pay more attention. I got round to reading the email Jordan had sent and decided this was something I should definitely embrace. I needed to understand my feelings, emotions and frustrations. I needed to talk to someone who understood exactly what I was going through, but who wasn’t emotionally attached to me.
I didn’t want to talk to someone who learnt their craft from a book, who would tell me that ‘it’s been x number of weeks/months/years, so you should now feel like this or be doing that', yet hadn’t experienced what I had. I had so much going on in my head and had such wonderful support from friends and family, however they were all hurting too, I didn’t want to add to their pain.
Having Jordan to talk to on a weekly basis was such a relief. He understood everything I was going through because of his own person experience and provided much needed reassurance that everything I was feeling was normal.
Jordan also explained grief to me. Until this point, I hadn’t really lost anyone unexpectedly, so I thought grief was something you just got over in a few months and then got on with life. I understand now just how wrong I’d been.
I’ve learnt and am still learning to embrace my grief and build my life around it. When I’m having a tough time, I’m kind to myself, but I also know it’s okay to smile and to laugh; have a nice time and not feel guilty. I can only do these things and have come as far as I have with the help of Jordan and the fantastic charity that is Rethink.
I hope and wish for no one else to ever be in my situation, but sadly I know there’ll be more people who have to grieve someone they love and lost to their mental health.
I know and understand I still have a very long journey ahead of me. But I feel more confident in dealing with what my emotions may throw at me because of what I’ve learnt from Jordan.
I can’t thank Rethink and Jordan enough for the help they’ve provided. I hope in the future I am strong enough to help others in the same situation as I found myself in.
I miss everything about my husband and always will, but I know I need to find the strength to carry on for us both. He was and still is my world.
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